[.l.o.s.t././.i.n././.t.r.a.n.s.l.a.t.i.o.n.]

I’m calling all angels.

Actually, what I’m doing is calling my prayer partners and praying with them before I call back. If this is what is meant to be, then it’ll happen. I’m praying for wisdom and for my Higher Power, for calming and peace. I’m praying that I’m shown where I’m supposed to be, that I be given direction, that this spirit of fear be removed. I’m praying for God’s perfect will, that the Lord will open doors that other men would shut. I’m praying for discernment. I’m praying for being led down the path that my Higher Power would have me.

Mama, Audi, Kevin, Mike in The Valley, Blanca, and Hendrik for praying with me over the phone and taking time out of your day to back me up. Thank you to those I e-mailed because I didn’t have your numbers fr praying for me and with me in regard to this, including, most especially, Eldon, Gary from Western Trails, Laticia, Angela, Terry, Mr. Rosson, Glen, Beryl, Chris, Chase, Reverend Larry, Brian, and everyone else.

Thank you to Hendrik for the business advice that you gave me. It really made a lot of sense and hit home. You’re right. I need to keep it simple, I need to be direct, and I need to be firm. Most of all, I need to not worry about it because if God wants me to have it, then I’ll have it. All I need to do is walk through the process as wisely as I can and let go and let God. We do the work, and God does the rest. It’s not up to me, it’s up to God.

I think I’m going to do a fear inventory over this before I call or e-mail anybody at Alfresco.

(ephemeral) 

I might be going to work for them although some of the feedback I got well post the second person I spoke to kind of put me in a funk. I know that my J2E skills are lacking and I still rely on tutorials when I have to mess with it when I work on a contract. The thing is that I always manange to get everything to work, the client to be happy, and I learn something to add to my catalog.

My therapist would remind me at this point in time that I’m hard on myself and that I need to losen up and not take the criticism so roughly. For some reason, I just can’t. I guess it’s that when I first was contacted about the position and did the first interview, I was quite excited. I knew WHO was contacting me and WHAT that meant and I was honored, a little blown away that little-ol’-me would be catching their interest, and that they might actually want to really talk to me about working for them.

I’d had therapy between the times I talked to the first person and the second person at Alfresco and realized that I was having a bad Asperger’s day and that my weak point, my verbal skills and social interaction skills, were going to be utilized. It made me nervous. I felt as though I flubbed up some very basic things when talking to the second person at Alfresco. The e-mail I received later confirmed that. I just couldn’t explain things verbally.

I said that I was willing to send code and some of my portfolio of the sites that I’ve worked on, but then I realized that because of Interzone and the projects I worked on there, a number of the NDAs and Binding Arbitration Agreements that were attached to my contracts that I can’t send the overwhelming majority of things I’ve done. Then again, most of them were in what Interzone targeted: the porn industry – and those guys like their privacy. The rest of my catalog is consisted of small sites that don’t all use a CMS behind them. The first site I ever fully developed and implemented was Warehouse23 when I was at Steve Jackson Games and their Retail Sales Manager and Assistant to the President. You can find out all about the Warehouse23 launch, Jackie and I completing it, and everything else by looking through the 1998 archives on the main SJG site.

I think I’m going to contact the first person I spoke to at Alfresco and see what I can do. I’m learning the J2E right now and Rob Landley is going to tutor me hardcore over the next two weekeneds so that I get it all down tight. I’m looking forward to actually, finally getting Java/J2E fully under my belt even if I don’t get the job at Alfresco, so . . .

I think I’ll call now. Maybe it would just be best to get this off my chest.

(ephemeral) 

My last appointment that I got weighed at was Monday, March seventeenth. I just checked my calendar to make sure of the date. I got weighed yesterday and since that date I’ve lost almost thirty pounds. I’ve been dropping through sizes so fast it’s crazy. And I’m sober, so I know it’s not because of anything crazy messing with my neurochemistry and metabolism. The seventeenth is when they gave me Depo, and while most people gain weight on it, there’s a small population that loses weight on it – apparently I’m in that population.

I don’t think it’s thyroid storm because I’d be sick and that’s nasty, although I’m still – duh – on thyroid medication and taking it daily. But even with it, exercise, and watching what I eat like a hawk during the past three years that I’ve been on thyroid replacement therapy I haven’t lost any weight. If anything, I’ve fought to stay the same or gained weight. So . . .

Really, I’m not complaining about the weight loss. It’s nice to be able to wear clothes I haven’t been able to touch since, oh, three years ago or so. It’s nice to be looking better physically. And if I exercised more, I’d probably be even that much better off for it. I just haven’t had the time.

(ephemeral) 

What does "love" mean? A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds. The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. Here are some of them:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love."  – Rebecca, eight-years-old

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."  – Billy, four-years-old

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."  – Karl, five-years-old

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." – Chrissy, six-years-old

"Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired." – Terri, four-years-old

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." – Danny, seven-years-old

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mom my and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss."  – Emily, eight-years-old

"Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."  – Bobby, seven-years-old

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate." – Nikka, six-years-old

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." – Noelle, seven-years-old

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." – Tommy, six-years-old

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore." – Cindy, eight-years-old

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." – Clare, six-years-old

"Love is when Mom my gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."  – Elaine, five-years-old

"Love is when Mom my sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." – Chris, seven-years-old

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." – Mary Ann, four-years-old

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." – Lauren, four-years-old

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." – Karen, seven-years-old

"Love is when Mom my sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross." – Mark, six-years-old

"You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." – Jessica, eight-years-old

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four-year-old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

The varried answers garnered from both the study and the contest reflect a lot about our society as it stands and where it’s going, what future generations are already learning to value at such a young age, and they both lend a great bit of a view into ethical and moral insight. However, the response by Nikka was both out of the norm and it gave me a glimmer of hope, too. Again, her response was, "If you wat to learn to love better, you should start wth a friend who you hate." Little is she probably aware, but Nikka is wise beyond her six years.

People – or, as I’ve come to prefer to call the majority of society – sheeple have been bleating about how we need to change this and that before IT’S TOO LATE. "It" is never defined. That point of no return is never given a definition or description. Sheeple call for revolution, call for change, scream about global warming, saving the planet, and rising gas prices. Yet don’t go out and vote; install solar panels on their homes (or simply turn lights out in rooms when they’re not in use); use conservation measures around their homes or offices (like basic thermostat "smarts" at home or making sure that paper gets recycled at the office – as most offices do this these days); make an attempt at recycling (much less starting a recycling program in their area!); buy local; start compost heaps; carpool to work, church, school, or whatever; take public transportation (even from park-and-ride lots!); or trip planning and consolidating stops when running errands around town – especially for those sheeple in gas-guzzling SUVs who seem to bitch, whine, and moan the loudest about gas prices when they’re doing nothing to make the situation better. Sadly, this is the society that the next generation, children like Nikka, are coming into. It’s a world of apathy in many ways, a world where we’re not working toward love.

VNV Nation’s lyrics to Testament come to mind right about now: And I’m not the only one who thinks we’re trying to say :: To the heavens and all who hear us: behold all we have made! :: We bring destruction, we bring war without an end :: and we live in hope that tomorrow never comes :: We conquer paradise just to burn it to the ground :: And we build a future to honour pasts we left behind :: We bring destruction, we bring war without an end :: And then we live in hope that tomorrow never comes :: . . . :: When was the last day without war? :: We speak of greatness we have never been.

(ephemeral)