Not only do I feel useless, but I feel like I’m pissing someone off without meaning to. Great. Watch me fail all over the fucking place.
True to addiction, huh? Everything gets going good and you find a way to tear it apart. You can’t have nice things.
There goes the committee. Spin, spin, sugar . . .
(ephemeral)
12:11] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: went and took a nap
[12:11] Charles Riordan: niiiice
[12:11] Charles Riordan: I wish I could take a nap :(
[12:12] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: I hadn’t slept in two days
[12:12] Charles Riordan: really? why not?
[12:14] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: stress
[12:14] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: roommate bullshit
[12:14] Charles Riordan: oh?
[12:14] Charles Riordan: from Mischa?
[12:15] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: and Eileen
[12:15] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: who I introduced her to
[12:15] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: big mistake
[12:15] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: dude, I’d get into it, but . . .
[12:15] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: ugh
[12:15] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: I’ve started calling this place the dramapartment
[12:15] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: and I don’t spend any time here, really, anymore
[12:16] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: most of the time I’m at Steve’s because we’re married, oof the drama, etc.
[12:16] Charles Riordan: awww
[12:16] Charles Riordan: you going to move in with your husband?
[12:16] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: so don’t tell them, but that’s the plan
[12:16] Charles Riordan: gotcha
[12:16] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: I’ve already given her the rent for July, too
[12:16] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: but fuck it
[12:17] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: I can’t handle this
[12:18] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: her borderline and Eileen’s schizoaffective and addiction issues and her refusal to work a program anymore – she was my sponsee until Mischa convinced her by buying her things that she didn’t need a program, much less a sponsor – and, well, I’m not doing this
[12:18] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: plus, after Mischa insulted our marriage the other night, I’m outie
[12:18] Charles Riordan: :(
[12:19] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: she also convinced Eileen to go off her meds
[12:19] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: and that’s been a nightmare in and of itself
[12:19] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: Eileen’s secondary DX is also borderline
[12:19] Charles Riordan: how did she insult?
[12:19] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: And Mischa’s not been taking her meds either
[12:19] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: She said in a very insulting and sarcastic tone to me and Steve that she hope it lasts but she knows better because Steve is just as controlling as Seth ever was
[12:19] Charles Riordan: ugh… this isn’t good
[12:20] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: which is SO NOT TRUE
[12:20] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: no shit
[12:20] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: so I’m outie
[12:20] Charles Riordan: I don’t blame you
[12:22] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: I paid her back for what Seth owed her for rent last year and on top of it, I’ve bought groceries, a carton of cigarettes that I saw none of – Camel Signatures – and paid 400 for June and 400 for July rent and then her electric bill for two months
[12:22] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: since it was overdue
[12:22] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: and she still says I owe her
[12:23] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: It wiped out what reserve I had and I’ve had to borrow from my friend Scott to pay my cell bill . . . okay, only a hundred bucks for the last two months, but still
[12:23] Charles Riordan: ugh
[12:23] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: and because of her broken promises, I owe Brian and Jeff about 120
[12:24] Charles Riordan: for what?
[12:27] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: gas money that she promised to pay him when he came up here on her beck and call and a bus ticket
[12:28] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: and Mischa says she’s broke, but she keeps buying Eileen stuff – a cell phone, adding her to her cell plan, books, clothes, anything she seems to want, cab rides . . .
[12:28] Charles Riordan: ...
[12:29] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: but yesterday when I asked her if I could borrow enough money to get a pack of smokes and then then pay her back when Steve got here to pick me up, she screamed at me.
[12:29] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: about how she has no money
[12:31] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: [13:39] adam_s_brown: So, think Mischa is trying to make eileen her pet?
[13:39] ephemeral_ether: [13:39] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: but yesterday when I asked her if I could borrow enough money to get a pack of smokes and then then pay her back when Steve got here to pick me up, she screamed at me.
[13:39] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: about how she has no money
[13:39] ephemeral_ether: I duno
[13:39] ephemeral_ether: but it’s pissing me off
[13:40] ephemeral_ether: Eileen was working a program and on her fourth step and all this shit and doing okay before she got here
[13:40] ephemeral_ether: her only thing was her parents were driving her crazy
[12:31] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: Mischa even bought Eileen a kitten
[12:31] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: and when I asked about getting a guinea pig, well . . . hahahaha
[12:32] Charles Riordan: dayum
[12:33] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: and they’ve both depleted my pretty expensive Biolage shampoo and conditioner and other stuff because they dyed their hair and my stuff is for dyed hair, so they figure they can use it because of that
[12:33] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: and that shit is 20 a shot
[12:33] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: and they refuse to contribute to replacing it
[12:33] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: I’m not asking for full replacement cost, either
[12:33] Charles Riordan: I’d make mention of that
[12:33] Charles Riordan: no, if they want to bitches about it, then bitch back
[12:33] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: I didbn’t
[12:34] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: I asked for help
[12:35] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: brb – phone with Steve
[12:36] Charles Riordan: k
[12:43] Charles Riordan: < - broke
[13:30] ephemeralether@gmail.com/Meebo: me, too
(ephemeral)
All day
Staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night
Hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
I’m feeling like I’m headed for a
Breakdown
I don’t know why
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know, right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know, right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Me
Talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
I know
I know they’ve all been talking ‘bout me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong
With me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow
I’ve lost my mind
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know, right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they’ll come to get me
Yeah, they’re taking me away
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know, right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy I’m just a little impaired
I know, right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Hey, how I used to be
How I used to be, yeah
Well I’m just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
Matchbox 20 – Unwell
(ephemeral)
[19:16] John: Show me a bipolar in a happy relationship and I will show you a peace-loving President
(ephemeral)
[23:33] ephemeral_ether: so, two klowns are about a barback
[23:33] ephemeral_ether: lol
[23:34] ephemeral_ether: two klowns serve drinks REAL well, you could say
[23:34] ephemeral_ether: with four klowns you WON’T remember what you’re serving.
[23:35] ephemeral_ether: which is why i couldn’t believe my shrink recommended i talk to four klowns a day, haha
[23:35] ephemeral_ether: funny stuff
[23:35] ephemeral_ether: but i never do
[23:35] ephemeral_ether: laughter is the best medicine
(ephemeral)
(This was originally a message board post on a Bipolar forum that I’m a member of.)
So I’m in a quandry right now, and I’ll probably go with what I know the right thing to be is, which is also what my gut tells me to do, BUT . . . I don’t wanna In other words, this may just be a Reese-is-being-a-big-whiney-baby-and-thus-is-ranting post. sigh You’ve been warned. SO . . .
I don’t want to take my meds. I want to discontinue them. I don’t really have good, solid reasons for this when it comes down to this. I’m just sdick and tired of taking them every single day and being reliant on something external to ensure my capacity to function in the world. Now, I KNOW that, akin to my brother’s and father’s diabetes, I NEED my meds in order to function properly and effectively, and thus I’ll probably, most likely (h*ll, DEFINITELY - let’s not lie) continue taking my meds day in and day out for the rest of my time on God’s blue and green. Heh. But right now I’m just in a strange place with my relationship, I guess one could say, with my meds. Whereas I used to not mind or care about taking pills now all of the sudden it seems as though I kind have started to really dislike it. Is this normal? I mean, do other people with chronic illnesses who depend on medications that they have to take routinely to survive ever get disgusted with said medications, dependence, and routines and desire to "go on strike"? Well, now that I think about it . . . I guess it’s not all that uncommon.
My little brother and only sibling, David, has been diabetic since he was six years old. Well, since just before he turned six – by about a week or so. Yep, he got to spend his birthday in Texas Children’s Hospital hooked up to IV’s while they tried to bring his blood sugar levels under control. He nearly died because of it, too. But that’s another story for another time. Back to the point, though: I can remember a time when David, a few years after getting diagnosed as diabetic, that he would throw fits around times when Mom would say to him that he needed to test his blood sugar or to prepare for his shots of insulin. He went through a few phases and bouts where it was readily apparent that he was angry, upset, not very happy about the whole situation, but . . . he HAD to. He didn’t have a choice. Without insulin, he’d die.
I won’t die without Lamictal, Lexapro, Gabatril, Topamax, Klonopin, or Adderall. My life would just be . . . different. I just wouldn’t function. My BP, BPD, Panic Disorder, Asperger’s, and ADD symptoms would all just get worse and eventually I’d probably just decide life wasn’t worth living and attempt suicide again and land – guess where? – back on a psych ward, probably court ordered.
But that doesn’t mean I have to like it. At least now I can understand where my brother was coming from during those times when he was complaining and bemoaning the glucose-monitoring-and-insulin-shot routine. I just hope that I can come to peace with it like he’s apparently managed to, that I can attain the serenity about it that he has.
(ephemeral)